<The air is charged with energy as a hundred Blizzard employees scurry about at the Blizzard Patch Command Center. Patch 2.0.6 is on the launch pad, and the countdown has begun! Final readiness and safety checks are currently underway....>
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "Patch launch imminent in T-Minus 15 minutes and counting..."
EYONIX: "Well, gentlemen, the day is here! We will finally see this baby take to the skies!"
TSERIC: "Golly gee willickers, I'm so excited!"
TIGOLE: "It has been a long journey, indeed. Patch 2.0.6 represents the hard work, hopes, and dreams of every man and woman in this place. It's successful lauch will be another link in a chain of victories for the team here at Blizzard Patch Command."
EYONIX: "Well said, sir!"
TSERIC: "Golly gee willickers, I'm so excited!"
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "T-Minus 14 minutes and counting..."
TIGOLE: "Alright, then, time to get this show on the road. Developers!"
DEV TEAM: (in unison) "Yes, sir!"
TIGOLE: "Begin final readiness checks - I want to see green lights across the board! Eyonix, call it out."
TSERIC: "Golly gee willickers, I'm so excited!"
EYONIX: "Code team, go!"
DEVELOPER: "Code for Patch 2.0.6 has been written and checked, sir! We are go for launch!"
EYONIX: "Excellent - Testing team, go!"
TESTER: "Testing complete for Patch 2.0.6, sir! All readings in the green!"
EYONIX: "Good... good. Patch notes!"
CM: "Patch notes applied within normal paramters. Green light."
TSERIC: "Golly gee! Golly gee! GOLLY GEE!!!!"
EYONIX: "Distribution, go!"
NETWORK GUY: "Patch downloader updated and ready. Status green!"
VOICE ON SPEAKER: "T-Minus 10 minutes and counting..."
EYONIX: "Sir, all major departments report green status. We are go for launch."
TIGOLE: "Fantastic job, everyone. Yet another successful, problem-free patch, as is the standard here at Blizzard Patch Command. Now, I'll just confirm the launch, and all we'll have to do is sit back and enjoy the show."
TSERIC: "Oh, golly gee, sir! Can I press the button?! Oh, pretty pretty please, oh please, oh please, can I push it?! Can I push it?!"
TIGOLE: *sigh* "Fine, push the thing. Just be quiet afterwards, will you?"
TSERIC: "OH WILLICKERS!!!!!"
<Tseric pushes a large, flashing, green button labeled "CONFIRM LAUNCH" Almost immediately, red lights start to flash and loud alarms start blaring.>
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "Warning! Warning! Launch conditions not within specified parameters! Launch in T-Minus 8-minutes and counting..."
TIGOLE: "And what the hell is all this?!"
EYONIX: "I don't know sir... Apparently there is something wrong with the patch."
<Tseric claps and giggles with glee, apparently captivated by the bright flashing lights.>
TIGOLE: "What?!!! I was told that it wasn't possible that we could make a mistake!"
DEVELOPER: "I didn't think so either, sir, but it looks like it has happened!"
EYONIX: "Well, hurry, you fools! Find out what the problem is and fix it before the whole launch is ruined!"
<The command center explodes into activity as developers, interns, testers, and CMs frantically search for the problem.>
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "T-Minus 5 minutes and counting..."
<An intern rushes up to Tigole and Eyonix, holding a print-out.>
INTERN: "Sir, I think I've found the problem."
EYONIX: "Well, what is it? Out with it!"
INTERN: "I think you should see for yourself..."
<The intern hands over the print-out, and Tigole and Eyonix read it over, their eyes widening in horror as they fully realize what is wrong. Tseric has begun to dance and snap his fingers in rhythm with the sound of the alarm. Eyonix thrusts the report into the hands of a nearby developer.>
EYONIX: "You! Confirm that this is actually true!"
<The developer frantically punches keys at his console. An array of lights come to life in front of him, all solid green, save for one... bright red and quickly blinking on and off.>
DEVELOPER: "Yes, sir, I'm afraid it is. I can't believe we missed this!"
<Eyonix and Tigole stand still for a moment, stunned by the magnitude of the situation.>
INTERN #2: "Sir, what is it? What's wrong?"
<The command center falls into silence as they wait for an answer. Tigole looks at Eyonix, who solemnly looks up at everyone else and announces the news.>
EYONIX: "Everyone, I'm sorry to have to say this... but we've just found out that this patch, Patch 2.0.6... does not... contain... a SINGLE nerf to the Priest class."
<Pandemonium falls upon the command center. People begin to scream and pray. One developer throws himself through a plate-glass window yelling "TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS THAT I LOVE THEM!!!!" Tseric is doing cartwheels around the perimeter of the room.>
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "T-Minus 3 minutes and counting..."
TIGOLE: "Abort the launch! ABORT! ABORT! ABORT!"
DEVELOPER: "Sir! We can't! The launch was confirmed, we are locked out of the controls!"
TIGOLE: "SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE!!"
EYONIX: "Sir, try to stay calm."
TIGOLE: "We just found out that a patch is about to launch without a SINGLE Priest nerf and you expect me to stay calm?!! WTF is wrong with you?!!"
EYONIX: "There's still hope. There's still time to slip a Priest nerf into the launch programming, but we've got to act fast!"
TIGOLE: "How did this happen? I demand answers!"
DEVELOPER: "Preliminary reports indicate that, because the Priest class was not in need of a nerf, it did not receive one in this patch."
TIGOLE: "I... I'm not sure I understand what you are saying..."
EYONIX: "Me either... I don't get it. Could you please explain it in English this time?
DEVELOPER: "Ummm... PREIST NOT NEED NERF PRIEST NO GET NERF."
EYONIX: "I still don't get it - this guy keeps speaking in these scientific mumbo-jumbo terms."
TIGOLE: "We can try to understand why it happened later. Right now, we need a solution!"
INTERN #4: "Excuse me, but couldn't we just launch this one patch without a priest nerf?"
<The room falls deadly silent. Tigole steps forward, his eyes red with rage.>
TIGOLE: "You........ What are you THINKING suggesting something like that?! Have you no sense of pride in what we do here? Have you no sense of loyalty? Have you lost your humanity altogether?! How could you possibly say such things??"
INTERN #4: "I'm sorry, sir - I just don't understand why we couldn't do it, just this once."
TIGOLE: "ITS NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE, YOU FOOL!! AND WE'RE NOT ABOUT TO START NOW!!! GET THIS COMMUNIST OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
<Tseric is staring at one of the flashing alarm lights, singing the Star-Spangled Banner.>
EYONIX: "OK, listen up! Here is what we are going to do! We will pick a Priest-class spell at random, apply a nerf to it, and slip it into the patch programming before it launches."
TIGOLE: "It might just be crazy enough to work."
CM: "But sir! There's not enough time to make this nerf look like it was needed or even a logically-thought-out idea!"
TIGOLE: "Unfortunately, we just don't have time for that kind of spin-doctoring right now."
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "Patch Launch in T-Minus 60, 59, 58..."
EYONIX: "Hurry! Someone choose a Priest spell to nerf!"
DEVELOPER: "Why don't we choose something that most preists don't even use so it doesn't have too much of a negative effect on the players? Something like Lightwell or Improved Fade?"
EYONIX: "No, its too obvious. If we do that, then it will look like something we just threw in at the last minute for the hell of it with no real reasoning behind it."
INTERN #2: "How about Shadow Word: Pain? Every priest I've ever seen uses that spell all the time!"
TIGOLE: "Great! I love it! Eyonix, make it happen!"
EYONIX: "Tseric, quick, give me a number between 1 and 100"
TSERIC: "Guacamole!"
EYONIX: "ANYBODY!!! HURRY!!"
CM: "Nine!"
<Eyonix types frantically on a nearby console, muttering under his breath as the launch timer reaches single digits>
EYONIX: "9.... percent.... reduction... damage... coefficient.... SW:P...."
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "6, 5, 4, 3..."
<Eyonix presses the "ENTER" key right as time runs out to send the new Priest nerf to the Patch Program right before it launches. The alarms immediately go silent and all lights go from red to green.>
VOICE FROM SPEAKER: "Program changes accepted. All systems nominal. LIFTOFF!"
ALL: "WE DID IT!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!"
Tseric: "Golly gee willickers!"
<As Patch 2.0.6 soars into the heavens, the room bursts into applause as Tigole, Eyonix, and Tseric are carried out on the shoulders of the developers, champagne and confetti raining down upon them. Patch 2.0.6 was a complete success, and the actions of these brave men on this historic day would pave new ground for Priest nerfs in many patches to come. For his valor, intelligence, and quick thinking, Intern #2 was promoted to Vice President of the company.>
THE END.
