Silkroad Online Forums

I know some of these are old, but really funny

HUMOUR
Some of The Differences Between men and women are:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £10, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals, and then only if they are his own.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing .

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If you cant laugh at these then you gotta cry....................

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have 'call waiting' so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


NOT TO MENTION........

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.



And finally.........



In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet............................



RULE BRITANNIA!!!!!

I was woundering What Makes 100 % ?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings/Jobs where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
If.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then.
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and.
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
but.
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
and.
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's actually the Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top of 100% !
Makes you think dont it................



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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:





I do physical labour. I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response:



Dear P.Niss:



After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised,

the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:



You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in

order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the

correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed

assigned task.

You leave the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.



Sincerely,

V. Gina

Haha a lot of that could be applied to americans too.

wall of text ftw
but a funny wall

Copy/Paste FTW

LOL i loved those sexist ones

the male-female comparisons are the best. its all true, lol

I'm proud to be English LOL

AhahHa
Its so funny, cuse half of those thigs are so true

LMAO

not fun when they die .... But --->

I liked everything except for:


The latter part at least is sad, very sad

hehe that one was so funny

and so am i, i mean whats not to be proud to live in a country where train
drivers are paid 6X as much as fire fighters or policemen.